LIVING IN FEAR

Things have changed drastically since my hospitalization last month for heart failure and pulmonary edema. Let me explain both conditions. My heart failed to operate properly and was not able to handle the fluids in my system. The fluids backed up in my chest and had no place to go, but to my lungs, filling them and robbing them of oxygen. It is a horrible feeling, like drowning in your own fluids or being smothered.

In all of my past hospitalizations and illness, I have been able to return to my normal routine without fear, but not this time. I wake up every day and ask myself if this will be the day I will have to go to the hospital again. I am afraid to eat (sodium content which holds the fluids), I am afraid to go very far from home in case it happens again, I am afraid to get into my normal activities for that same reason. When I go with someone (like shopping, the pool, etc.), I wonder what they would do if I had another "Attack" while with them.

I function thinking, "What if if happens now and is this how people will find me?" I don't make any long range plans if I can help it. The slighest sign of being short of breath sends me in a panic attack. I am monitored daily with a machine that records my stats over the phone, I have to take breathing treatments 3 times a day, so I actually have more backup than I ever had in the past, but the fear is there.

Before this episode, most people never even knew I had a heart problem and even my cardiologist said I was "Not cardiac crippled", but now I feel as if it is a daily fight to keep from going back into the hospital and that others (and more important, I) know I have a serious medical condition.

This is something over which I have no control....my body is the dictator here and no matter what I do or don't do, I have lost control. Maybe that is where my fears lie...in losing control and not being able to handle my life as I once did. I just wish I could go back to the way it was before my last hospitalization...........I just wish I could conquer this fear so I had my life back!!!

ANSWER TO LAST TRIVIA QUESTION: What was George Jorgenson's claim to fame? He had the 1st sex change operation in 1952 in Copenhagen and changed his name to Christine Jorgenson
TODAY'S TRIVIA QUESTION: Who were the 2 presidents in the 1950's decade?
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: When you're old and fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.